I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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