Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
