Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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