I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Randomize
