i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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