i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
