Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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