My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
