I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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