My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
