fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
