i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
