I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
