Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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