okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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