he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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