I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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