Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
