you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
