Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
