I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
