I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
