All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish you could order shots online.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
