She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
