Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
