I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
