Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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