i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
