Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
