How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
