i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
