I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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