My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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