hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
They took my balls.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
