my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My balls are so social today.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
