Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
