im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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