soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
