You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
