my mouth tastes like poor choices
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
whose parrot is this?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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