Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
