This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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