my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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