i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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