Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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