So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
