How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I look better un-naked...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
