highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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