im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
