Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
