went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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