His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
